6 Tips to Become More Social and Make More Friends
If you are like me, knowing how to make friends and maintain friendships can be quite a mystery. While making friends has always been difficult, no longer being school-age makes it near impossible to meet new people, especially if you find it easier to converse about set topics or interests. Follow these six tips to become more social and make more friends.
Dozens of studies have shown that people who have strong relationships with friends, family, and community members are happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer. On the flip side, social isolation is a risk factor for depression and anxiety. This may come as a surprise to some, but friendships do not just happen, especially once you outgrow the school years. You have to be intentional and take initiative to make and maintain. friendships. Here are six ways tried and true ways to become more social and make more friends.
Show that you are approachable.
This may seem like an obvious tip, but people approach approachable people. So how do you show that you are approachable? You can show that you are approachable by non-verbal communication. I know from my own experience that this is not always the easiest thing to do. But by working on my non-verbal communication, such as smiling and not having a black stare on my face (or the ever so talked about “resting bitch face"), presenting with a relaxed posture and not standing with my arms crossed, facing towards people and not away, and generally being more open to making eye contact and not looking away, I have made myself more approachable.
I recently tried an experiment where I went to the same coffee shop two days in a row, at the same time, and the same place. The first day I went in I was not smiling, I was looking away and not making eye contact, not facing the barista or the other patrons, and standing with my arms crossed waiting for my coffee to be made. No surprise, no one looked at me, no one smiled at me, and no one said anything to me. The next day I mustered up the courage and plastered a slight smile on my face (I tried this out in my mirror for a while and worked on a smile that was not too bright and not too coy, it took about ten minutes but I finally discovered a smile that wasn’t that odd looking). While I was in the coffee shop, I made sure to make eye contact with the barista and the people standing next to me. I had a relaxed posture and stood next to the other people there. Since some of us may have trouble with knowing the correct distance to stand next to people, I would suggest at least 6 feet, since that is the COVID rule anyway. Maybe to no surprise, my experience at the coffee shop on this day was a lot different than the day before. A person that looked to be about my age commented on the shoes I was wearing and we talked a bit. Imagine that! Now, while, I am not going to guarantee that you will meet someone every time you smile and make an effort to be approachable, it certainly doesn’t hurt!
Get off your phone.
This is the second part of tip number one. When you are on your phone you are unapproachable. In addition, while on your phone, you may also miss comments questions, or things that are happening around you that could be good conversation starters or places where you can talk to others that have just started talking. I went to the dog park with my dogs the other day and watched around me at the dog owners. I paid attention to who was on their phone and who wasn’t. This may come as no surprise but the dog owners who were on their phones were not talking to anyone and even if they just had their phones in their hands they did not appear very open or approachable. By contrast, I saw many dog owners speaking in several groups, and not one of them had a phone out. When new people entered the dog park they either took their phone out and isolated themself or stood with no phone out and eventually started talking to the other people in the vicinity. While it it may be smart to always keep a phone on you for cases of emergency, it does not always need to be out and can be quite the deterrent when it comes to speaking to people and making friendships. So when you are in line at Whole Foods, at the register, on the bus, or just walking down the street make an effort to put your phone down and open yourself up to the experiences around you.
Start conversations with people you see regularly.
If you see the same people over and over again, like the clerk at Rite Aid, the barista at your coffee shop, the person who drives your bus, the mother or father picking up their child from school, or the person in your gym class, say hello and ask how they are doing. Comment on the weather. Ask how often they work or what their hours are. Find a way to start a conversation. If this is something you are not good at, challenge yourself to have one mini conversation or back-and-forth dialogue a day. Feel free to plan topics to bring up. When we see the same people over again, we feel more comfortable with them, even if we know nothing about them. You never know where a conversation can lead and by practicing your social skills you can only get better and more comfortable putting yourself out there.
Join a new club or organization.
This is as easy as going on meetup.com and finding a group that interests you. You can join a hiking group or outdoors-based group, a backgammon or board game group, a sports-based group, and the list goes on and on. Meetup.com even has groups titled “Making New Friends” that are set up in different areas for different age groups. There are also lists for happy hours and dinners. You can join a single group or a recurring group for a hobby or industry you are interested in. But, here is my advice, push yourself to go to at least three times. Some of us think we can attend one meeting or session and make a best friend. It does not always happen this easily. By going several times you get to see the same people over again, remember what you talked about from the week before, and bring it up. That is how you can start to build a relationship. You can also try several different groups, online, in-person, more social, more topic or interest-based, and see which works better for you.
Stay in touch.
Half the battle is meeting someone. The second half of the battle is staying in touch with that person. What if you are like me and forget to text back or never make the initiative to text first? I have discovered that if schedule time and create recurring events in my calendar to text or call a friend I usually follow through and do it. This helps me not forget to text back but also helps me stay on top of staying in touch. I also push myself out of my comfort zone and try to call a friend every few days (as talking on the phone is more difficult for me to do). I also make an effort to see a friend or friends at least once a week. For some that may be too much and for some that may be too little. But, listen to your body and decide an amount of time that makes sense that you would like to dedicate to friendships. Keeping a routine and structure helps me to follow through and also become more comfortable with initiating conversations.
Become a good listener.
Anyone can become a good listener. By becoming curious about what the other person is talking about can help you become interested. In this way, you listen to learn about them, and not just be polite. I always thought that I make a good therapist because I am genuinely curious about people’s stories. This curiosity helps create interest and people can always tell if they are talking to someone interested or just listening to be polite. Find something about the person you are speaking to that you are curious about, and let that help guide the conversation. Because of my genuine curiosity, I tend to ask questions. Asking questions is integral to being a good listener. Think about someone you enjoy talking to. Do they talk about themselves most of the time or do they ask you questions? When they ask you questions how does it make you feel? For most people it makes them feel that that person cares about you because they are interested in knowing more about you.